It smelled of summer for the first time when I woke up this morning. It has been a tough spring for me, getting over the fact that I just can’t talk to Mamie again. Next week, Sundi and I are headed to the Sarnia area for a short visit and just thinking about it makes me sad. It will be the first time I return after she passed away. I am torn about going. Almost like if I never return, she will still be there somehow.
Its ludicrous, this idea, but I realize it is what has been spinning in my head as I plan the trip. And that city is so entirely my mother to me. Pretty much every where I go I will have been there before, but with my mom. Stores and spaces change, but now when I think of them they are filled with what they used to be, when I visited them with my mom. So absolutely bizarre and unnerving to accept that she won’t be there. In my dreams over the past months we have gone down to the water and fed the ducks. We’ve had breakfasts in a few places. We were even in my old elementary school together as adults. For sure I will let go of these things at some point, but right now they are so tough.
And then I think about those in the city who miss her everyday and are confronted with that absence. You all have my thoughts and hugs. Must be so much harder, in a way, for you. Also easier maybe because you’ve had months of being in that place without the contact. For me it will be a shock again, for you it is more every day perhaps?
Either way, it will be great to catch up with you all and hopefully we’ll make it okay.
Pictured below are me and mom with the last pic I have of us before she left Hoskins.