Tearing Up

Its been three weeks since Mamie ‘left us’. This past month has been the hardest of my life for sure, despite whatever composure I display. There has been some respite here and there from thinking about her, but at numerous points everyday she surfaces somehow.

This past week I had two cry-free days (Wednesday & Thursday) and thought I was doing okay, but then I had a dream about her. Its too hard to detail everything, but needless to say my waking hours after that dream were a mess. She arrived at a party and told me she was still with me. It was horrifying to try and tell her she had passed on. Unfathomable.

After that dream, Mamie visited Sundi in one of her dreams. Now, listening to Sundi recount her dreams is a great gift I get and I won’t get too far into her’s either, but it was interesting and awesome. Mamie was being disruptive at her own funeral. Sundi recalled dream Mamie as very authentic, funny, and at moments intimately sombre.

Mamie has caused a lot of tears in the past month, for a lot people, but having ‘left us’, one of the things I recall sharply is her lack of tears. Or at least a lack in that I only saw her actually cry twice: once when our dog, Nipper, died, and once when my dad, Lloyd, died. I am sure she cried a lot more than I ever saw/remember, but its so strange to have not been witness to it.

Maybe all of the tears shed are a stockpile she had saved up for some many years and she now passes them on to all of us. Or maybe she cried a lot in private? I have no idea. Given all the tough things she went through I never felt it appropriate to ask why she didn’t cry more. Regardless, for me, she has not left. Or she continues to leave through my eyes when I can’t hide my grief.

Here she is with Nipper in 1989.

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PS: If you have a story you’d like to share about Mamie and/or pictures, please do send along to my email on the ABOUT page.

3 Replies to “Tearing Up”

  1. Ah Dan, I wish that I could take away your pain but alas, I cannot. I am tearing up just reading your heartfelt message. I remember my first dream of Dad, we were at a party and he was at the other end of the room in a suit jacket and he waved goodbye to me. I woke feeling like he visited me but then in an instant, it took my breath away…..August 20th and I still cry daily, maybe not for long every time but still, every day and at the oddest times too. Take care little brother. ((((((((Hugs))))))))

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